How to Cut Weight

Have you ever wondered how to cut weight? Here’s a step-by-step guide.

1. Wake up, pee, and step on the scale. Forget how awful the weight cutting process is and say to yourself, “this one won’t be that bad”.

2. Rub this crap all over your body. Wait a half hour. Start sweating.


3. Block all the vents, put a towel under the door of the bathroom, and turn on the space heater.

4. Run the bath as hot as you can stand it, and pour all this stuff in. Let the smell hit your nose, experience previous weight-cutting-experience flashbacks, and immediately regret your job.

Sald and Alcohol Bath

5. Get in the tub, lay down until you feel like you’re about to pass out, then sit up for five minutes. Repeat. A bunch of times.

6. Get out, dry off, throw on a plastic sauna suit, and wrap yourself in blankets for about fifteen minutes.

7. Get on the scale, see that you still have two pounds left to cut. Put your soul back together, but don’t stop crying — the tears are water weight.

8. Repeat the entire process until the scale says 145.00.

-The End.

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